i saw ben today. i introduced him to nat just to make sure it was real. surreal is a better ... thing. the black bunny is back. it has made it onto a plate and a drawing. i had the same feeling when i saw ben as when i saw the black bunny for the first time. today 4 people have asked what was the matter. i explained my thing about nightmares to ben. i dont really have dreams or nightmares anymore. what gets my blood pumping has left. nothing has changed in 5 years. things have changed, thats not completely accurate. there are major things that have not changed that probably wont change to any large degree throughout my life. ben asked me what my favourite drawing was. it was the one where i got to draw without having to get critiqued midstroke. it took nat and "i" 1.5hrs to mat my 2 pieces that are going into the show this weekend. i need to take everything ive done recently, down. then, i need to put up all the miserable shit ive done lately up. instead of wallwoing in my successes i need to wallow in what ive done wrong i think. this rut has me down. its not as bad as the one that hit midsummer. he got bronze for a cartooning award. he didnt get into santa cruz's art school. too illustrative. i fucking hate that word. it doenst even mean anything. oh wait. it means showing precisely what you are trying to communicate. no talent art school fuckwads can choke on their ambivalent foggy hazey victim art. die. eat my fuck.